Well, it's done. The first paper of the semester. Whew! However, I would be more relieved if I thought it was any good. As usual, my argument is clear and the paper organized. But is the argument good? Well, it's in the hands of the gods now. Or more specifically, Charles Sherry. Speaking of Sherry, I think I may be including him in a lot of my future posts, as I find him to be quite intriguing. And as he doesn't have the same charm and electricity of Scruggs (whom I love and adore), I like him. Which brings me to my story: Yesterday while waiting in line for my coffee, Sherry comes up behind me and we begin a conversation. He tells me that he belongs to some sort of list serve (some of the facts may be muddled as he is so soft spoken, he is hard to understand sometimes) of a group of administrators (?) who want to put professional student evaluators into the classrooms who will report to the professor what students are really thinking. I said, "That's ridiculous. If you really wanted to know what they're thinking, you could just ask them." He agreed, but said the people who came up with this idea think that students will not be as honest with the professor as they would with their peers. I didn't agree with this and neither did he. Still, what bothers Sherry most (which doesn't really bother me) is that he feels this would be some sort of violation of students' privacy. And I'm sure a lot of students would agree. It seems they will take issue with and protest anything just to feel they are being heard. Which brings up an interesting contradiction. If students are so eager to be heard, then they should embrace the idea of someone to represent a universal voice on their behalf. The fact is that young people, and the young at heart like Charles Sherry, feel the need to revolt against "the man", Big Brother, and the like. And although our world calls for order and systemization, it's nice to know there are some crusaders out there to stir things up a little.

In yesterday's post, I realize that I was not being completely fair to my beloved professor. My focus and critique should be on the student who keeps reiterating the fact that Sherry is a "harsh grader." What the hell does that mean anyway? Are students so blind to their own incapabilities as to think that if they receive a poor grade it must be due to the professor's harshness? This particular student keeps suggesting to me how to write a paper. He tells me, "Just make sure you're clear and organized." Really? I hadn't thought of that! This from a sophomore who hasn't nearly the experience I have had in writing analytical, theoretical, critical, etc. papers. I know I've only been an English student for little more than a year, but does he honestly think this is my only writing experience? It seems my fellow students have very little confidence in my writing abilities as this is not the first time I've been given such profound advice. I've come to the conclusion that this student, and many others, tailor their writing to how they think the professor will grade. If the professor seems laid back, they will not make as strong an effort as they should. I'm proud to say that I approach each paper, class, professor equally no matter what I assume their attitude to be. If that makes me a better student, so be it. If not, at least I can live with the illusion that I'm a good writer.

I feel the need to write, as I am about to embark on my first attempt at writing this semester and I am extremely nervous. I just feel like I've lost it. The ideas aren't coming as easily and the writing is proving to be quite a struggle. I no longer have the usual confidence I have when going into a paper. I don't know this professor, I haven't talked to him outside of class, and I've heard terrible things about his grading process. I hope to prove these bearers' of bad news wrong by producing an exceptional paper, but I admit I'm a bit intimidated. I have a feeling the professor deems me to be somewhat of a ditz. The very first day, Sherry began discussing the ways of the world and marriage and love and relationships. He kept looking at me rather intently and finally asked if I didn't agree with him. I was taken aback by his bold questioning and as I did not agree with him, I sort of laughed and said, "I guess," or "I don't know," or something equally eloquent. Ever since, the routine has been much the same. He continues to make intense eye contact with me and then ask me questions to which I have no answer. It's become a joke in the class now, as I am the only one he calls on other than the students who eagerly raise their hands in desperation to be heard. He first explained that I sit in the middle and he has no peripheral vision. Then he claimed that I always have a look on my face to suggest that I have something to say. He mused, "Don't look at me like that." When I finally said, "I'm the wrong person to ask these questions," he said, "that's strange, you always look like the right person to ask." It has been suggested that he noticed my wedding ring and since the class discussions seem to be particularly focused on the institution of marriage and the nonexistence of romantic love in the world, I might want to pipe in. I don't think that's it. It's also been suggested that he has a crush on me. I can't believe that's true either. No one has crushes on me. Someone also mentioned that it's just the opposite and he doesn't like me at all because perhaps he overheard a political discussion I was having with another student. I really don't believe that. Nonetheless, I feel I have to prove myself to this professor more than any other I've had. I'm going into this completely blind and hope to come out with a greater insight into the mind of this man.

I feel inclined to express some thoughts that have been manifesting in my mind since the start of the semester. I notice that I tend to understand myself and others more if I am able to convey my thoughts through writing. Yet I fear that my patience for the subject at hand is so thin, that I might abandon all efforts to mete it out. Last semester in college, my second full semester since returning to university, I formed some strong friendships with people I actually find interesting and enjoyable. This is a difficult thing for me to do since I am terrifically shy. However, my anti-anxiety medication has aided greatly in subduing this problem. Now, most of these friends are men, over the age of 25, and either divorced or single. This is not a problem for my husband, nor the other males as they have all met and get along famously (of course this could be a fantastic delusion on my part, but everything seems fine). I did form a bond with a girl last semester who is a Spanish literature grad student from Costa Rica. And although her intellectual level is beyond that of many of my undergrad friends, she is nonetheless, very young and not privy to the ways of the world. Not that I am old enough to have formulated a jaded POV of life, but I've been seen some stuff! ;) And although I am still quite young and full of hope and expectations, I also have a realistic outlook and a mature grasp on life. This brings me to my point. This semester proves to be quite a struggle in terms of social relations. I seem to be thrown into a mix of the standard stock of college students who think they know everything about anything and are not afraid to say so. My dad's dad always quoted the saying, "You can always tell a teenager, but you can't tell 'em much." And although a few of the students are barely out of their teens, this saying holds true. I often wonder what judgements the professors make about such students. Do they, as I, secretly sneer at them and sadly shake their head at the thought that these children are the future? I hope so. Because I feel that if anyone can get through to these kids, its a college professor. Students respect them more than they know and are begging for some guidance, someone to bounce ideas off of who will offer some valid feedback. Professors seem to be the only adults in the world that kids trust and don't automatically assume are full of shit.