So here I am sitting, about to write that I recently cut my hair and half of my femininity with it when my friend tells me she loves it. That makes me feel good. I know that for a lot of women, cutting their hair is like cutting off an appendage but for me it was simple: I don't want it and little kids who lose their hair need it so I'll give it to them. But with that comes a sense of insecurity: Are people judging you on your hair? Ridiculous. But as a woman who's been told her whole life that she's attractive, I've questioned if I still am. I went through this before when I had my hair short. Do men still think I'm pretty? Do women? Do people think I look like a boy? A child? A lesbian? But ya know, there are so many more important things to worry about, why spend my time scrutinizing myself in the mirror? Why not worry about those kids who have no hair? Why not worry about my own health. It just proves we live in a vain society obsessed with looks. Looks are what get you respect and what makes people think you're an interesting person. I know it because I've fallen into the trap too. The first person to grab my attention in a crowd is a good looking one. I want to learn about that person, talk to them. And the cliche goes that beauty is skin deep. Everyone thinks that good looking people have no heart, soul, personality, intelligence etc. Like God gave them good looks and gave all other qualities to the other people. There again lies a prejudice. We look at attractive people and think, "She's a snob", "she's so dumb", "he's only interested in sex", etc. And it's simply not true. I just wonder what side of the coin is worse -- being underestimated for being less attractive or for being more so?

Long time since I wrote. To busy to write. Too busy to write complete sentences. Still struggling through Q. Been reading short stories by Poe, which I like for the most part. A bit anticlimactic though. So there I am on the edge of my seat, pulse racing, sweat on my brow, anticipating what will become of our hapless hero as the pendulum descends upon him when BAM! he cuts loose and escapes! And who IS the Mask of Red Death? I want to know! I NEED ANSWERS! In the meantime, I'm biding my time with crossword puzzles, the fall TV lineup, and sleep. Oh, yes sleep. The doctor says 12-14 hrs. a night but I just can't do that so all I do on my days off is sleep. There's something terribly wrong. I need to cut my hair but I don't know if it's long enough to donate yet. And I want to lose weight so I don't look like some pinhead on a marshmallow body. Bad mood. Tired. Must sleep....yawn.....

OK, so I haven't written in more than a year so bad me, but I haven't really kept in contact with many people who used to read it so I don't know of anyone who'd be interested in what I have to say anyway. But here goes: Since this site is supposed to address life, literature, and the pursuit of pennies, let's start with the easy one. Pennies. I have found that the pursuit of pennies, although fascinating to me, is quite boring for others who have to read about it in search of the juicy stuff. So I'll just say I found six random pennies at work the other day--a very good day. Literature. Well, I can't remember everything I've read since I last wrote, but I do keep track in my very own Reading Woman journal. Worth mentioning is The Master and Margarita, by the Russian author Bulgakov. Good book and great for me because of my obsession with literature about Satan. Really existential and abstract though so prepare yourselves. The Red Tent is good although very much a woman's story. Though it doesn't fall in to the category of a sappy romance novel, there are ultrafeminine elements that make this book a bit nauseating. Speaking of ultrafeminine, The Girls: Sappho goes to Hollywood, is terrific.  Although I knew some key players in Hollywood's golden gay era, I was surprised to read how many there were and how much one circle of women shared partners. So now I'm in the middle of Q about the Protestant Reformation and it is a long complicated intricate story. I'm struggling with it although it is very well written. Life. Well sometimes life sucks. Sometimes it's great. The End. Just kidding. I think I do have a couple of interesting life stories to tell at the moment. Well, let me begin with my lupus. It's getting worse and more things are coming into the picture that complicate things. I hate the term fibromyalgia. It's a trash can term to explain pain that is unexplainable and it doesn't exist. Now I might have tendonitis which is inconsistent with lupus but goes hand in hand with rheumatoid arthritis which is what my dad has. There is something seriously wrong with my right foot and my back but I don't know what yet. I've started yet another pain medication which isn't really helping and basically everything hurts all the time. But I try to keep my spirits up with another trusty medication--Zoloft--which saved my life. And I'm also on a new exercise regimen that helps a little. I need to sleep 12-14 hours a day which is impossible so I take naps whenever possible and I'm on a sleeping medication. I tried to take Ambien for a week, which the doctor told me would mess with my dreams and make them really vivid. My dreams are already really vivid so I was kind of looking forward to it. But it didn't work. Anyway, about my dreams. (This is the good stuff right here). For the past few years I have some interesting things going on with my dreams. First, I began having a recurring dream every night where I couldn't walk. One or both of my knees would lock up and I couldn't move. I'd have to grab my own leg and unbend it so I could move again. The dreams became more extreme to where I couldn't move them at all or stand on them. I was completely paralized. Now it wasn't one dream with one situation. For 2 years, no matter what I dreamt, where I was, who I was with in the dream, and whatever was happening I became paralyzed. I don't know if it was to do with a literal physical hinderance I feel because of the lupus or if it was something psychological going on that I felt I was being held back, but I don't have that dream as often anymore. Now it only happens once or twice a week. Next dream situation. Ever since my grandmother died on my birthday 5 years ago, I have a dream that she's still alive and we all just thought she was dead. And we tell her we thought she was dead and she says, "No, I've been here the whole time and you just didn't see me." My mom says that's her way of communicating with me telling me that she's still with me even though I can't see here. Next dream situations: I can hover over the ground and when I leap once, I can keep myself moving forward but not touching the ground for like 50 yards. I can also breathe underwater. Next: About a year ago, I had a breakthrough in my dreaming. In my dreams, I can actually ask myself if it's a dream or if it is real. My dream self would actually stand there and take a survey of my surroundings, look at my hands and body, touch and feel myself and say, "Yeah, this is really real. This is not a dream." This went on for months. Finally one night, I was dreaming that I was standing at a table in a restaurant with a bunch of girls from my elementary days all grown up. I took stock of everything around me and realized I was dreaming. To wake myself up out of the dream, I began jumping up and down in this dreamland restaurant and I woke up. I think that takes a lot of talent So if anyone out there is a dream analyst and wants to tell me what it all means, I'm all ears...or eyes as it were. Thanks for reading.